Nasty, Nasty Habit


In today’s installment, the very first – of many, I hope – in a series of rants about anything my petty mind decides to focus on for derogatory and generally inflammatory purposes, I tackle a subject that has bothered me for most of my life. So for your reading pleasure – or lack thereof – I give you my magnificent trove of inane bullshit.


On Smokers

It’s sad to think that we are beings gifted with intelligence and the ability to reason, that we have the means by which to see what is good for us and what isn’t, and still a great percentage of the world’s human population partakes in the act of smoking cigarettes.


I fail to see they payoff of inhaling smoke comprised of chemicals widely know to be used in rat poison and certain forms of convict execution. It’s moronic, the fact that there is a label right there on the box of any pack of cigarettes in the Western world that clearly states that the product in question is highly hazardous to a person’s health yet people still buy packs and packs and smoke like it’s nothing.


There are so many things that bother me about smoking and smokers. First and foremost is this whole supercilious attitude they get when one asks a smoker not to smoke, as if it’s their right to smoke that comes on top of my right to breath clean – or clean enough – air. Seriously! If you choose to smoke, that’s fine by me, but don’t assume I have to breathe that toxic miasma just because you need your fix. In an ideal world, smokers should sport these bubble-like contraptions that keep the smoke within said bubble. That way only they and they alone would inhale the cancer they currently expel into the atmosphere. This contraption would make life a lot easier for us non-smokers. Imagine what bars and discos would be like? I generally don’t allow smokers to be too close, really, but sometimes I have little choice, like when I go to a bar. Bars are generally smoke clouds. Well, if this hypothetical bubble contraption of mine were used, bars would be nicer places to breathe in. Hell! I’m sure most smokers would eventually quit after having to use this theoretical contraption. Let’s face it! Smoking as a habit causes more problems than the possibility of cancer. There’s the ever-present stench of nicotine and tobacco, the premature aging of the skin, tooth decay, gum diseases, dragon’s breath, nicotine sweat stains, nicotine finger stains and a myriad more little quirks that make smoking such a joy. And all of this is by inhaling and exhaling the dreaded fog. Now, imagine if you will, having that smoke contained within the bubble that is placed oh-so-conveniently on top of the smoker’s shoulders, therefore effectively enveloping the head of the subject. How long do you think it’ll take the person in question to realize “this shit ain’t worth it!”? If the discomfort of perpetually inhaling the smoke intermingled with the oxygen doesn’t do it, I’m quite positive that having grossly yellowed teeth residing on ever-receding gums while premature wrinkles set in on the face might end up swaying the smoker into abjuring the heinous habit.


Another thing that this would eliminate is the scenario where a smoker is about to go to a smoking break but, for some reason, he can’t fuckin’ wait until he/she exits the building into an open area. No, the person has to light the damnable cancer stick right there so that (insert whiny voice here) “the wind won’t make it hard for me to light it”. Oh wow. So now we have to be considerate with a person with an addiction because they’re habit, which only happens to be legal because Big Tobacco owns the motherfuckin’ world, is hard to do under windy climate conditions. FUCK YOU! You whiny sad sacks of pansy-bred shitemongers! Do you realize that my right to clean air supersedes your right to poison yourselves? What if heroin was smoked instead injected as a means of ingestion? Were I to light up a “heroin stick” in a semi-public place thus exposing you to the smoke against your will be ok? Of course not, you hypocritical, egotistic pieces of manure! So how is it ok for you to light up in a public place when you are directly violating my right to breathe nicotine free air? Let’s see how you people like it the next time I light up a joint and blow the smoke into your faces! I at least have the decency and courtesy of partaking in whatever habits I have chosen in private quarters only accompanied by people who are either partaking or have expressed their consent for me to partake in their presence thus possibly exposing them to whatever effects a bystander might be subject to if the case applied.


Then there’s this other thing. It’s rather Freudian in nature, you see. It should be particularly disturbing to straight men of the homophobic-and-possibly-in-denial persuasion. A cigarette is a phallic object. That’s right, kids. It is representative of a penis! For non-homosexual women it might not be such a big deal, although if you asked certain female individuals they would very much object to the thought of ever espousing a prick in their pretty little mouths. For lesbians it might prove to be a little more disturbing. Succinctly put, it would mean that they secretly desire the cock, therefore making them heterosexuals in denial. Wrap your heads around that one! For homosexual men it would be no big deal, at least from what I have gathered from my homosexual acquaintances. But here’s the part that gets me: Straight Men. Whenever I see a man with a “fag” – as they would call it in England, which in light of the idea I'm explaining here would mean the britts clearly recognize and accept my theory – I cannot help but think that said man is expressing a deep-rooted desire in the only way he can do so without suffering the rage of all his equally homophobic friends. In short, he really, really, REALLY wants the cock.


Hmmm... all this phallic talk here has made me think of a new name that might better describe cigarettes, one that fully expresses the hidden desires in those who partake of this age-old habit which, at some point in pre-Columbian history, had actual spiritual meaning and wasn’t defiled with a harrowing list of chemical and nuclear – yes, nuclear! – ingredients made to hook people and, inadvertently, kill them. What term, you ask? Manbacco. That’s right. Little peckers you can smoke. That’s what they are.


Now, all of you out there who might be going - “hey, don’t joints count as phallic objects as well?”-. Fuck, yes! You know it! But I’m man enough to accept the possibility that underneath my pathetically grungy exterior there is a very effeminate man with a fashion sense trying to cat-claw his way out.
If you happen to be a male friend of mine and happen smoke, this is all true. You’re still telling me you want the cock and you are still quite possibly a fairy-in-denial. I love you guys, regardless of whatever homoerotic fantasies you might fashion every night before you actually fall asleep.


If you are a female friend of mine and happen to smoke, again, it is all truth. Don’t blame me for this here piece, I never put that piece of phallic shit into your mouths in the first place, so any analogies I might draw thereof are inevitable consequences of your habits and, rest assured, I’m not the first person to think of this.
What am I getting at here? Nothing really. I’m simply expressing my distaste for a horrible habit. I’m not saying you should stop smoking; I’m saying stop submitting non-smokers to your habit. To those fragile and impressionable minds that might lurk here whilst traversing this wonderful plethora of perversions that is the world wide web (the primary purpose of which is, as we all know, porn), re-think that whole “I’m gonna smoke cuz it makes me look kewl!” approach and superpose the Freudian projection of the act of putting a phallic object in your mouth. That’s right. Hell, once you light it, it’s like you’re putting a “burning” phallus in the kisser. Burning with passion. Throbbing. That smoke you swallow and then spit counts as spunk, motherfuckers. Am I grossing anyone out there yet? I hope I am. Pussies.